Side note: this is phase two of the mini series “Three Amigos of Cell abuse.”

Phase Thirteen of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything.”

   Don’t: attempt to complete a life altering business merger or try to get your life together over the phone at the gym.

   All three of the aforementioned phone conversations seem a little extreme and maybe even far fetched for an everyday workout at the gym, but at least once a week while I’ m working out I notice one of these three occurring. Now, I work out at three different gyms in three different areas every week and I have seen this at least once a week since I started noticing these “do’s and don’ts of the gym world.” Even more disturbing is the fact that I go at sporadic times and I am only at the gym usually for an hour to an hour and a half. That in itself isn’t the disturbing part, the disturbing aspect of all of these statistics is that if I am catching this at least once a week, at any of the three given gyms that I go to at an of the given times that I am at them, then holy hell this must be happening a lot.
And with this one it’s not just mainly a male phenomenon. Ladies, you in no way are exempt. I have seen women trying to setting up high powered business appointments, trying to change cable accounts and of all things attempting to organize their finances all while mid workout in the middle of the gym floor – guys I see the same things go on with you as well. I say of all things, because isn’t the gym a place you can go to leave all of that other crap behind for a hot minute. You go to the gym to get the day started on a good foot or to break the day up or to work the day out of you. These financial, business and personal conundrums are all very important and are all matters that should be high on your priority list but you need to make them their own priority. Just like people make going to the gym a priority. They do so because it is its own entity and as such it should not engulf or encompass any of these other entities or priorities. In simple terms make the business mergers at the office or step outside of the gym if it is absolutely that important. Change your cable plan when you want a break from the everyday or when you want to step away from your desk. And above all things don’t try and maintain your financial stability at the gym. Do you really think it is a good time and place to talk Wells Fargo while Bruno does squat thrusts next to you? This one is just plain annoying, not disturbing. This is more of a heads up for your own well being. Leave that crap for some other time and leave it outside of the gym. If you want to work out at your own home gym with a Bluetooth in your ear in front of your own T.V. be my guest – that is a power play in a half. But most of us cannot afford that and that is why we go to our gym, where we pay fee’s to work out, to shape our selves into someone else for a brief period of the day. Enjoy the workout that you went to the gym for and leave life’s stresses at the office when you leave or at home, don’t bring it into a place that is supposed to relieve stress.

   I am holding all of the do’s for the last phase of this second mini series because they will apply to all three of these. And like so many of these offences do… I don’t want to waste your time. Although, I probably already do by posting this mess. Just kidding…but seriously. Once again this is simply my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Side note: for the next three phases of this ongoing mild rant I want to bring up are similar to the IPod trio, but unlike the IPod trio they are much more annoying and bothersome to me and others around. These next three phases I will refer to as Three Amigos of Cell abuse. All three of these things bug me to no avail, almost a little more than any of the other “self proclaimed” offenses that I have mentioned in the past.

Phase Twelve of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything.”

Don’t: talk on the phone and try to work out for extended periods of time

I see this one happen on a regular basis on so many different fronts with so many different levels.

Level one: the “What is happening tonight call.” This call at the gym always seems to come when others are waiting for your equipment. Rightfully so, you yourself might have waited for the equipment and that with that being said are in fact initialed to use it how you see fit. But that does not include making people wait an extra five to ten minutes because you want to find out what club your bro Chad is going to be at tonight. A lot of people are pressed for time at the gym, and while I know that is a personal issue there should be a medium. Now if I am in a hurry and I go to the gym and equipment is simply not readily available because others are diligently using it and I am not able to get a full work out in, then it is my own fault for trying to squeeze in a work out when I didn’t really have enough time to begin with. But if I am in a hurry and want to use a machine but the person on the machine tells me to hold off because they just have a few more sets, and then they answer there phone to talk for another 5 min and then do their sets then I am entitled to be a little pissed off. Why do I have to wait for you to wrap up your phone conversation so that I can use the equipment? Most people who answer the phone at the gym realize this and are at least decent enough to let you work in or move away form the equipment and let you use it. But there is that 25% in this category that instantly transform themselves into the power tool isle at Home Depot. And yes, I do mean the whole isle. By doing this you are going past being a singular tool, you are stepping into a whole new realm where your tool-ness is pissing others off and is no longer just something that other people laugh at your expense. I feel so bad for people that are actually nice and wait for these H.D.’s to not only finish up their sets but also their telephone conversations. I have no patience when it comes to crap like this, which probably makes me an ass and which probably puts me on someone else’s “gym offender’s type cast list.” But on this one I don’t care because I am not budging on my stance regarding this issue. I have only had this happen to me personally once and at first I was cool about it. I said to myself “ok this guy told me to wait because he is almost done… for sure I will just wait for him to finish up.” But then I see him answer his cell, and again I think to myself “I will just wait for him to wrap up this call. He will probably tell whoever is on the other line that he is in the middle of working out and that he will call right back.” Wrong. I waited for about a minute until I realized that he was not about to end the conversation, and then I signaled the old “can work in with you.” And he so toolishly gave me the wait one sec gesture. At this point I was still patient, but yet another minute went by and he had yet to commence in doing a set or getting off of his phone. So I literally hopped on the machine and started doing my own sets. He looked at me like I wasn’t wearing pants, like he could not believe what he was seeing. He was like I am still on that…so I did what any normal person pushed to the brink of being an a-hole by someone else would do…I gave him a taste of his own medicine. I told him “hey man that’s cool you can work in if you want.” That irked him to no avail, but who the hell cares…I certainly don’t. And like I said, in some regards that makes me a hypocrite. But what is he going to do. Is he going to pick a fight with me? Is he going to just walk away still talking on his cell? Or is he going to hang up and finish his sets in between mine? And for that matter what m I supposed to do. Go tell on you like a little child? Sit their and wait another ten minutes? End my work out short? Or do what I did and then bitch about it three weeks later in some off the top blog? I am going with the last option on this one.

I am holding all of the does for the last phase of this second mini series because they will apply to all three of these. And like so many of these offences do… I don’t want to waste your time. Although I probably already do by posting this mess. Just kidding…but seriously. Once again this is simply my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Side note: this is phase three of the mini series – the IPod trio

Phase Ten of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything.”

 Don’t: listen to your IPod or music device at ungodly levels

First and foremost, by listening to your IPod way louder than you should be you are destroying your inner ear (75% of the parts included). The thumping kicks of drum beats, the “audiotisticle” rampage of harrowing guitars, the high thumping bass of digital audio and even the bongo drum in a acoustic college radio song all severely damage the ear and effect the proficiency of one’s personal hearing abilities, if amplified at loud volumes.  This is especially prevalent and in many cases much worse when it happens with head phones, magnifying sound with a greater immediacy to the inner ear – according to several studies done by the Swedish. Ok, now that my attempt to make myself sound more academically profound has concluded – it’s bad for your hearing to listen to loud crap. But where this comes into play in our little realm of fitness is its invasive nature on the hearing of others around the “soon to be hearing-impaired” gym goer with his or her head phones turned up full blast. I don’t mean to sound crude (ok who am I kidding, that is why I write these rants) but me being able to hear your Tom Jones – over not only the music already playing at the gym, but the clinking sounds of the equipments, the ongoing conversations, and the loud grunts of our other offenders – is kind of ridiculous in it’s own right. I’m half and half on this situation. In some regards the invasive nature of me that sometimes likes to rear its head about from time to time, likes to be able to match a song to a face. Meaning that I find it interesting in some regards to see if the behemoth with the tattoo’s on his face is listening to an old slayer album or is in fact getting his Britney on or if the tiny little girl doing leg extensions is listening to an indie Conor Oberst track or in fact kicking it old school with Andre and Big Boi with an “Atliens” track. But the other half of me is like, what if it is “afternoon delight” set to repeat? Should I have to hear that all work out long because I forgot my IPod and I can’t focus on the gym’s music or my workout because I keep thinking of Ron Burgundy or the actual nature of the song itself? Of course I don’t typically run into people at the gym who bump afternoon delight, but I do run into people at the gym all of the time who have music that I hate blaring out of their head phones to a point that I am forced to listen if I want to use a machine. And then there is also the guy, who I see from time to time at the gym who forgot to bring his IPhone head phones and is just listening to his music from the speakers – wow that is annoying. I have only seen this happen four times but it has definitely happened four times too many.

 Do:  Listen to your IPod at a reasonable level and make sure that you do in fact have head phones in, in the first place.

The same mentality as the person in the movie who knowingly doesn’t put their phone on silent, or the person that lets their cell phone ring so they can get to the good part of the their ringtone, or the person that bumps Tupac while stuck at red light in front of a kindergarten cross walk, applies here. What you listen too or what you like applies to you and should only apply to you and not to others around you – unless of course you are prompted and invited to share. Why should I be subject to your personal tastes unless I want to be. In general when out in public, in a shared communal setting, people in this shared space should not be able to hear what you are playing on your IPod because it is too loud or because you are using your speakers and just can’t go with out “PYT” for that hour that you are in the gym. I find also that this seems to be the culprit of the trio. Having your IPod too loud leads to you singing loudly and also leads to you dancing around. In fact of these three IPod trio occurrences this one is the least harmless, the most offensive to the general public surrounding it, and it leads to other occurrences that disturb one self as well as others around them. With this definition I would say it is like marijuana in the “Nixon/refer madness era,” it is the gateway drug that is difficult to lead to anything good. Ok I’m just kidding about that one, but just do us all a favor and be mindful of the volume of your personal music device. Once again this is simply my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Side note: this is phase two of the mini series – the Ipod trio

Phase Ten of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything.”

 Don’t: Play the drums or rock out profusely at the gym (with or with out an iPod)

    Now I thought that this was completely harmless (and damn it if I don’t catch myself doing it once in a blue moon) but I saw first hand what can happen when this gets out of control. Drumming and head banging ravenously or jumping around and flailing your arms about is just not meant for the gym – or for the public eye in general (but sometimes it’s hard to help). I personally think it makes you look like an idiot, but that alone should not matter to anyone – who cares if you look like an idiot, right? But it isn’t looking like an idiot that puts people out with this distraction; it is the actual physical disturbance that can derive from the air band performance itself. This one is actually funny because it happened to me for once, as opposed from me always seeing it occur to others – I got to experience first hands the ill effects of this lord of the dance “C. Diddy” air guitar uproar. I was in mid set of doing military pull-ups on the bar between the cable-cross over machine, when I felt someone strike me in the right leg, rather close to my groin. It immediately made me stop my set, let go of the bar and hit the ground with a rather pissed off look on my face. The guy to my right had this look on his face like when Smalls (from The Sandlot) realized that he hit his step dad’s “Sultan of Swat” autographed ball into The Beast’s lair. He instantly became apologetic, and exclaimed, “holy shift I am so sorry.” He then took the two little white head phones out of his ears and told me “dude I lost my balance…this song is incredible.” I was of course like, “no problem man” but I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. Then I saw him walk to the drinking fountain like two minutes later with his head phones back in, swinging those invisible drum sticks like he was Travis freakin’ Barker. I then realized that he had hit me in the midst of a, unaware of his proximity to me, rock out session. I wasn’t pissed off or hurt from this encounter, in fact I got a chuckle out of it, but I can’t say that it is not annoying to be sporadically perturbed mid set.  I then saw the same thing happen the very next day to a guy doing some shadow boxing dance moves and definitely getting seven shades of hyphy to whatever song he was listening to. He was not aware of how close he was to a guy doing hammer curls and bumped into the back of him. The guy looked a little more pissed off than I did about having to interrupt his set. Meaning things: one that this can be hazardous to people around you if you are doing this, because in some rare occasion you can loose your balance from doing something moronic in a place you shouldn’t be doing it in, and bump into someone doing some strenuous activity and end up causing them extreme frustration or in some cases injury. And two that this can be hazardous to you if you continue to do it, because judging by the look on the dumbbell man’s face, he was about two seconds away from doing his own shadow box dance on that guy’s face.
 Do’s: Just work out without dancing around, rocking out or shadow boxing or take a pilates, dance, or personal workout class where you can dance about

    This stuff proves its hilarity to me on a regular basis but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t frustrate the likely hood’s of others to no avail. Just remember this the next time you feel compelled to strum an air chord to ‘Master of Puppets’  or jump around to an old school “Red and Meth ” joint or scratch the wind turntables. I still have not had a chance to talk to people that actually commit these so called offences at the gym only the phones who look peeved that these offences occur in their presence. So with that being said I don’t truly know the psyche of our air band heroes at the gym who feel it is still appropriate to continue on with these prancing antics even after they have knowingly disrupted other’s around them. Maybe they just listen to music that they can absolutely not resist the urge to get down and boogie to, I don’t know. What ever the reason though, they or you or me – whoever finds themselves dancing around, drumming along, or boxing forward at the gym – should be mindful that it can lead to negative effects upon others.  Once again this is simply my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Side note: for the next three phases of this ongoing mild rant I want to bring up what I like to call the IPod trio. These next three phases are more comical to me than annoying. I don’t get as mad at these three as I do all of the others, but none the less, these three are still bothersome to many people sharing the communal gym.

Phase Nine of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything.”

Don’t: sing at the top of your lung while you listen to your IPod
It does not take a genius to realize that when you have your IPod volume cranked past “turn it the f’ down already,” your voice seems to project itself at higher decibels than usual. Why is this you ask, well it’s a matter of simple physicality’s really. You see the Lady Gaga Technocratic remix ft. Soulja Boy or whatever other god awful song you are blaring, is playing directly in your ear drum at a high level of capacity sound waves. This in turn blocks out external as well as internal interior sounds, like your own William Hung-like voice that makes you yourself want to cry whenever your head phones aren’t embedded in those tiny little ear drums of yours. And it’s perfectly ok that you have a dreadful singing voice, hell my own car radio tells me to shut up when I’m alone with it, that’s how bad my singing pipes are. Its not the signing itself that irritates others or makes me laugh, it’s the fact that everyone can hear you singing and on top of that everyone has to hear you at very high and extremely putrid levels. I do not want to be mid bench and have to hear your tone deaf acapella version of “loving you.” Last week I will have to say that I got a huge kick out of this exact scenario. I am in between a set of bicep curls just relaxing when out of no where this dude, this gargantuan of a human being actually, just bursts out into song (but of course only for a couple lines at a time). The dude next to me on the cable cross over machine  is in mid motion and completely falters and gets thrown off balance by this man’s startling yelp. It actually isn’t all that funny because the guy on the cable cross over machine totally almost rips his shoulder out of the socket when he was thrown off balance because of the tremendous singing talents of Baby Huey on the lat pull downs (waiting to start a new rep).

Do: keep it to yourself and sing in your head or under you breathe like the rest of us
Personally I could care less, I think it is hilarious. But after speaking with a couple of people at the gym and seeing its destructive effects on cross cable man, I realize that it is certainly a nuisance when people sing at the top of their lungs when they are listening to their IPods loudly at the gym. Listen – if you can hear me over your obnoxious singing voice – please just keep it in the voice box. There’s really not much else to say other than it is a spectacle or a distraction or in some cases a health hazard. So for the well being of others ear drums and limbs, try your best to not to let your inner Pavarotti out while in the gym. Once again this is simply my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Phase Eight of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything”
Don’t: Use three to five machines/benches/weights at once

Ever since the p-90X and cross fit workouts have become so popular, this has been a phenomenon that I have witnessed in the gym. And While both of those types of workouts are insanely good for you (in most cases) and do yield substantial results, they don’t really pan out in the common gym dynamic, the way that people tend to go about them. When I say “the way that people go about them,” I mean the way people go about hording equipment. For instance, yesterday when I was at the gym, I noticed that a guy on the cross cables had three different types of attachments on the ground next to him and then one that he was using on the cross cables themselves. I just thought they were there because someone just didn’t put them up when they were finished, but that was not in fact the case. A man came up and asked, can I use that one (pointing at the attachment for triangular tricep extension) and the guy on the cross cables said “no I’m using that one.” The guy asking, looked puzzled but then fine, and then he asked can I sue that one (pointing at the attachment for the straight bar) and the guy said “no I am actually using all of these right now for a cycle workout – I will be done in about 20 minutes if you want to use them.” Really though??!!! I wanted to walk over there and just snatch one and give it to the other guy, but then I would be doing the crap that I hate that other people do at the gym. In a sense that a person is restraining other people from being able to use the gym when they come in and the only time that should ever really happen is when the gym is actually packed to capacity and you have to wait to use a machine. In this case, it was not even close. It was 11pm at night and hardly a soul was around at the gym – which is why (I later found out) is the reason that the guy trying to use the equipment goes late at night. It is probably why the other guy goes as well, so that he can get those types of cross fit workouts in- which is fine but not when you are taking up four pieces of equipment and not letting others who want to, use them. But this does not just simply happen at big gyms at late hours, this happens during peak prime time hours when equipment is scarce to begin with and it also happens at smaller and residential gyms where equipment is scarce to begin with. I was in my building gym and a guy was on a five machine cycle and I went to hop on one and he was like, bro I am using that, so I said alright. Then, I hopped onto the next one and he was like, man I am using that one too. At that point I laughed (because I had already seen him use three other pieces of equipment) and worked out anyways letting him work on that machine in between sets – which mind you, out of five sets, he only needed to work in once. He probably thinks that I am rude for laughing at him and going about my workout and to an extent I am but – you can’t take up ¾’s of the gym and expect no one else to try and cut in.

Do’s: be MINDFUL (it’s broad but the explanation covers it)

I am all for these types of workouts, because like I said previously, they are quite effective and they are becoming more and more popular. Just be mindful when doing them. If you are using four pieces of equipment and two people jump on two of those machines go about your workout and when you get to those two machines see if you can work in with those people on their accord in between their sets, so that you are not holding people up. And the guy late at night, that is perfect planning. Go later at night when less people are there, so you can do these types of workouts. But if other people want to use the equipment you have stock piled, by all damn means please let them and if it is that crucial to your workout, ask if you can work in with them. People have just as much right to the equipment as you do. In all essence, you can even be more of the hardball in this situation and it would still be fine. Meaning if you really want that extra piece of equipment you can say “yeah I am using that one too but if you want you can work in with me.” It still makes you look like the little ass on the playground that took all the good toys but at least you are not inhibiting people from doing what they came to do at the gym. I am not saying that it is bad to do these workouts in the common gym or that you should not do them, but all I am saying is just be mindful on how you approach going about them. Once again this is simply my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Phase Seven of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything”
Don’t: Leave a stack of weights on the machine, bench or bar

    If there is anything that I am truly guilty of on a regular basis, it is this. I have a hand full of excuses as to why I do not do this. One: I am super exhausted after finishing a set at 100%, and just don’t feel like lifting any more weights. Two: they were on there when I first got onto the machine or when I first started using the bench, so why should I have to do double duty and pick up after myself and the person before me? Three: I see the next machine that I want to use or the weights that I want to use next, open and available, and I want to grab them before someone else does- I don’t have time to re-rack my weights. I constantly cycle these thoughts through my head when at the gym, but are any of these excuses actually valid? The answer is simply NO. By not re-racking the weights I am essentially perpetuating this vicious cycle of taking accountability away from myself and placing it on others.

Just like you hate it in real life when people pawn their workloads off on you for the simple fact that they know you will do it, and they can get away with making their lives easier at the expense of others. This is may seem like a harsh example or personification of the matter at hand, but in reality it all boils down to the same issue – you not taking accountability for your own actions.

You put the weights on the machine, you used the machine and now you need to put the machine back to its original form. But what if I got to the machine and it had weights already on it? Well, who the hell cares! If you are constructing a building and someone forgets to fill a corner a concrete foundation, do you just build continue to build around it? And when the building later falls do you say it wasn’t your fault because the foundation was incomplete? Or if you walk your dog and you see that there is already dog crap on the ground so you just let your dog do its business and leave the mess? Is it ok to just leave it because someone else did? No, it is just as much your fault as it was their’s for not completing the job or them not picking up their dog’s crap, for not saying or doing anything about it. I will be the first to admit that I need to be way more mindful of this at the gym and that I need start practicing what I preach with this one. For one reason and one reason only – this week’s “gym redemption.”
Let me explain further, I was watching TOSH.O on comedy central and I saw a segment that was titled “This Week’s Web Redemption.” This segment was simply taking someone that has failed miserably in front of the entire nation on YouTube or some other video streaming site, and giving that person a chance to redeem themselves in front of the entire network audience. I thought to myself ‘I bet this could be applied to the gym segments I do’, and after a weeks worth of watching people at the gym I realized that it was the absolute truth. The cool thing about these types of redemption is that the people on them are not asked to redeem themselves; they simply just make the transition on their own accord – shocking, I know. So for this week’s DO section I will give you all the weeks “gym redemption.”

Do: Re-rack your weights

    Case and point: This week’s “Gym Redemption”
For two weeks in a row I have noticed that these two extremely loud, foul mouth and definitely out of place vacationers, down for the summer break (probably), have been an absolute spectacle at the gym. Dancing around, jumping in on people’s sets uninvited, being extremely loud and obnoxious, grunting, trying to lift way more weight than they can handle and in doing so completely misusing the machinery and of course they never re-racked their weights. When it comes to misusing the gym, you name it they did it.

Anyway, one night they had three plates on each side of the bench (although they really only should have had two). Of course when they were done, they left those three plates on each side. The next person to use the bench was an older tiny lady. She was struggling just to move one of the plates. Now only one of these two people gets to be redeemed in this section. They were both talking to another person on the other side of the gym. Both of them saw the lady, and they both looked over, but only one of them actually ran over and re-racked all of the weights and apologized for not doing so in the first place. The other one continued his loud god awful conversation that I could here clear across the gym. I applauded (in my head of course – otherwise it might be awkward). The lady looked extremely happy that this person showed such gentlemanly manners, and looked excited that she could actually now use the bench because before she could not, being that she could not lift all the plates off.

Mystery Vacationer number # 1 you rock and have completely redeemed yourself. Mystery Vacationer number #2 you suck and you are still part of that sect of society that just doesn’t care: stop ruining it for everyone else. So, it is in fact important to re-rack your weights because you never know who will need the machine or weights next. Even if you are using dumbbells, why do you leave on the ground or by the bench? If someone wants to use that bench but can’t move the weights because they are too heavy, why should that person have to wait or have to move those weights? Well they shouldn’t have to, period! I personally am going to really work on making sure that I am constantly re-racking my weights when I am done with them…you should do the same. Once again this is simply my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Phase six of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything”

Don’t: Ask to work in, use the machine in a different way and then not put it back at the personal original weight or placement.

 Boy, do I absolutely hate when this happens to me. I view this as a real life scenario that seems to get played out time and time again with that friend you have that is always finding new ways to make you not want to invite him, or others in general for that matter, back to your house. You know that one friend or acquaintance that just comes over and treats your house like it is his own (well probably treats it way worse) – a Kramer pretty much. He or she says they are coming over to hang out and watch the game but when they come over, they come with a keg and five unruly individuals that leave your house in ruins. Or it’s the friend that eats half of that candy bar that you have been saving or drinks half of the last beer that you were looking forward to and then puts it back into the fridge. It may be an extreme example but it is coasting on the same tracks for sure. I am using the cable cross for tricep extensions and you ask me if you can work in with me. I of course say yes without any hesitation because that is just usually how it works at the gym. But then you move the cable cross from the top to the bottom and lessen the weight by 30 to 40 pounds. I come back from the drinking fountain a little irked to find that you didn’t put the cable cross back up where I had it and then nonchalantly go to use it after putting the cable back up. I then slam the weights of the machine when I go to use it because I am thinking that I will still need to exert the same force to lift that extra 30-40 pounds that is no longer there. Then I look like a jackass, run the risk of throwing out or pulling something and I have to stop what I am doing and readjust the weights. All because you are choosing to be rude and lazy on my good graces. I let you in so that you didn’t have to wait for me to finish and you totally throw it in my face. And I can say something to you but why would I? You have already spent the majority of your life not getting these social norms, so what is a random guy at the gym’s opinion going to do for you. You will probably blow me off like you did with your parents when they tried to teach you this stuff when you were five. Just not cool man.

 Do’s: Just make sure you are not being invasive

 I could personally care less if you come over and move my cable from the top position to bottom position or change the seat height and weight of my machine, as long as you put it back when it is my turn to jump back into the exercise. I will definitely show you the same courtesy by readjusting the seat and weight back to what you had it on, even if I don’t have to, because it is just common decency to do so. You are in essence asking someone if you can borrow something and then completely changing it and then returning it without changing it back. If you borrowed my laptop to do a Spanish project and converted the windows key strike functions to Spanish and then returned it with out changing it back, I would be pretty pissed off when I tried to type something and everything came out written like a teleprompter for Telemundo. The same logic applies here at the gym. If someone is going to show you a strong sense of civility and let you work in with them, make sure that you are just as respectful to them as they were to you. All it takes is just paying a little bit of attention. Take a look at where their weight was at or where their seat was placed or where their cable was located and just remember to put it back. More often than not if you do this, when it is your turn they will put the weight, seat, cable, etc back to where you had it. Bottom line is, be mindful of your actions and surroundings, not only in the gym but in life as well. Trust me it might just get you a little farther in life. Once again this is simply my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Phase Five of “appropriate behavior at the gym: the do’s and don’ts, according to a guy with an opinion about anything and everything”

 Don’t: Grunt or yell while lifting

    I know, I know, I don’t know what it is like to lift 350 pounds, so I should not be commenting on the subject of grunting. And you are absolutely right, but I certainly know what it is like to max out and in doing so I refrain from the huge grunt or the loud yell. Maxing at any level whether you are maxing out with light weights because that is your strength level or you are maxing out with ginormous weights, exerts the same amount of concentrated, maximized energy. Therefore there should really be no excuse for grunting or yelling out while working out. I have seen a dude three times my size max out with out making a peep and you want to know why, because he did not feel the need to initiate the inner barbarian at that moment. Now I am fully aware that when you lift you need to pump yourself up mentally and get into that savage mode of thought, but it doesn’t mean you need to act it out. Realize when you let this inner barbarian take control you are really only making a spectacle of yourself. You are drawing attention to yourself which in most cases is bad. I say this because most of the cases I have seen where people are grunting or yelling, have been because they were not properly executing the exercise they were attempting. I see guys doing curls with weights they have no business lifting – wobbling unevenly, rocking the weight instead of lifting it, using there back to lift in an improper way and all the while (yes you guessed it) they were grunting or yelling while everyone around them either shakes their head or chuckles to themselves. Not only are you a spectacle but now you are at risk of ruining your muscle tissue all together because you improperly lifting. According to personal trainer for a very popular gym (both of which need to remain nameless) “chances are if you let out that rebel yell or that exhausted grunt, you are most likely doing something wrong…and while you may see immediate results doing it the wrong way, in the long run your muscles will suffer. Not to mention that you sound funky man.” Even if you are lifting correctly, there is still no reason to yell or grunt: curb yourself, you are not in the wild you are at a communal gym where others don’t want to hear you.

 Do’s: lift properly and just breathe man

    Proper breathing is an essential part of working out correctly and it allows for you not to be the village idiot when you lift. But before the breathing even comes into play make sure you are lifting correctly…first and foremost every time. When you lift, literally just breathe. “While lifting, you are supposed to inhale the resistance and exhale the release. But when you hear someone grunting,” our personal trainer informs us “it is usually when they begin the resistance…when they are putting the weight up.” You hear that, breathe in when you put the weights up don’t let a yelp out. “When you come down with the weight, you normally just hear a sigh even if you are one who grunts or yells.” I have never seen anyone get dirty looks or attract attention for letting out a sigh. Breathing the proper way allows better air circulation within the blood stream, and there for helps to better circulate the blood flow while you are lifting. It seems silly but breathing correctly while lifting makes a world of difference and it elevates the need for barbaric noises escaping your vocal chords. While I may not be a grunter, I have been breathing incorrectly while lifting for sometime now. After I was shown how to properly breathe while lifting it took a long while to really get it down, because chances are if you were doing it wrong, you were doing it wrong for quite a while- which in most cases wears a condition in your body that knows no other way but the incorrect one. So although it might be tricky and seem tedious and mundane, focus on your breathing. If not for yourself, at least for everyone else around you, that has to endure your god awful noises. Once again this is just my opinion, take it or leave it.

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Don’t: not wipe the equipment when you are done using it.

     There is absolutely nothing more repulsive than going to use a bench after Boris the 3 ton muscle machine just used it, and laying down unknowingly in a puddle of pure sweat.  It is a well known fact, even if you grace the presence of a bottom feeder on the IQ food chain, that when you do something to put your body in a constant state of motion/action/resistance that after a while you will begin to perspire (or more simply put – if you are highly active for more than thirty seconds at a time you are bound to sweat). With this common human knowledge ingrained into about 98.5% of the human population from about the age of four, it bewilders me as to why people, knowing this fact, believe that they do not sweat when in the gym on the gym’s equipment.  I see people who step off the treadmill, wipe the sweat from their brow and 30 seconds later hop onto a bench or a machine with some type of seating. Which in and of itself is completely fine, but then when they are done they just get up and walk away as their sweat glistens in a large stain left on that particular piece of equipment. This is just not ok in any situation. You would not go running for 20 minutes and then sit on your friends couch drenched in sweat (unless you are trying to mess with them somehow). At the gym it is slightly different, because it is ok to sit on that bench or seat after running for thirty minutes, but it is not ok to walk away without wiping down the equipment after using it. Whether you do it with a personal towel that you bring from home or a wipe that the gym offers, just simply take the 20 extra seconds to somewhat sanitize the equipment after you use it. The last thing that anyone wants is to get SARS from trying to reach a new bench mark on the press.

Do: WIPE DOWN THE EQUIPMENT AFTER USING IT

    There are a plethora of options when trying to complete this task.  One, you can actually follow gym rules (4 out of the five different chains of gyms had this in the bi-laws) and bring a towel with you to work out. Two, you can grab the disinfectant spray and a paper towel from one of the many different stations around most gyms and spray down the equipment and then wipe. Three, if you don’t have access to the spray or a disinfectant wipe, just take a paper towel at least to equipment so that you are at least lowering the level of precipitating moisture droppings that have gathered congregated where you last laid or sat. Any one of these three options should take you no longer than a minute total. Look at it this way it is the perfect amount of time to segway from one exercise to another – by cleaning the machinery you are giving yourself ample rest time between exercises, which ultimately allows for a more productive workout. Time and time again the solution boils down to common decency and the age old saying “do one to thy neighbor as you would have them do to you.” There are no secrets, no magic tricks, just simplistic everyday character traits to follow – that we should all be doing normally in society in general. Even though you may wipe down your bench completely you are still going to get that person who comes along and wipes it down again. Don’t get upset at this, some people are hyper clean, which is their own prerogative. It is the same as if you made a perfectly good hamburger and you think it is best served with just mayo and someone loads it up with ketchup and relish. They still think it is delicious, they just know their taste. But the important thing to remember here is to at least provide the hamburger by giving at the bare minimum a quick machine wipe down.

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